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The colonists in the future United States were not so practical, so they didn’t change to coffee until after the Revolution. Instead, they decided to protest the taxes by throwing boxes of tea into the ocean. The English responded by sending soldiers across the ocean to fight, and even torture, the rebels. The soldiers did the latter by reading The Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire, which had been first published earlier in 1776, to the colonists. It is even longer and more boring than War and Peace. Trust me. According to their strategy, these readings would put protesters to sleep. Once that happened, the soldiers could go through the colonists’ wallets and take out the taxes they owed, plus 500% extra as a late fee.Needless to say, the colonists, or at least the ones who managed to stay awake through the first page of The Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire, wanted revenge. They did this by sneaking up on the soldiers and preemptively reading The Decline and Fall of the Roman. "This is how it'll work. You'll sit on this wooden box with a pail under a hole in the top." Oh? Like I'm sitting on a permanent toilet?"He laughed. "Something like that. There'll be a jug in the base that I'll keep filled with water, and another holder for a jar of baby food and one for a can of soup. Five rubber tubes will run from the base and up your back embedded inside the plaster. Three of the tubes, the ones from the water and the food, will go into your mouth. The other two will go into your nose so you can breathe." Wow!" Yeah, so I just have to keep your water jug filled, replace your food each day, and empty your poop pail every day. Any questions or requests?" Well, you've thought this out pretty thoroughly, but can you put the food and water in a separate compartment from the waste pail?" Yeah, I guess I can do that. Anything else?" Can I have another straw for some kind of juice to drink?" Okay. What else?" I guess that's it. When do we start?" I'm ready to go whenever.
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